Fever-Induced Home Renovation

Mike Neir may have come home tonight to a bathroom that is a slightly different color than when he last saw it.

So, y’know how when you have a fever, you’re supposed to stay in bed, rest and generally not try to do anything?

Yeah. There’s a reason for that.

Last night, while I slept, the viruses which had previously established a beachhead mostly in my sinuses and joints staged a coup and took over my whole body. After some truly bizarre, somewhat horrific dreams last night, I woke up with my fever bumped up a degree to 101. I called in sick for the second day in a row with a silent wish for helpdesk to be kind to BenC. Rolling over, I slept at first fitfully and then resoundingly until nearly 11am – something I haven’t done in months and months.

A fresh dose of flu meds and a cup of tea later, I felt curiously good. Like, I am unstoppable good. I considered going into work, but realized my friends and co-workers would probably appreciate my not infecting our workspace with whatever this crud is.

Yesterday, I decided I wanted to paint my bathroom dark, dark brown, use pure white accents and candles to turn it into a true sanctuary… at least as much as a room that small can be such a thing. I’ve got a pretty clear vision in my head of what it should look like upon completion. The feeble, pastel blue and pink with a floral border isn’t offensive, per se, it’s just Not Me and it was beginning to grate.

Today, I spent nearly all of my weekly paycheck on making that vision a reality. A trip to Home Depot for paint and whatot, a trip to Bed, Bath & Beyond for what started out as a tub stopper and ended up being Everything Else They Had and dude, I was well on my way. Note to Home Depot and BB&B : Please start drug testing your patrons before selling them All Your Stuff. Thanks.

A lot of this is a blur. I remember wandering up and down the aisles at BB&B, I remember finding The Perfect Shower Curtain. The rest is somewhat fuzzy. Thank goodness I didn’t come home with a new countertop sous vide machine, because I really, really want one of those, too. Perhaps they didn’t have them yet.

At any rate, I bought a metric honkload of stuff. Here it is, oozing with potential:

I remember having to stop and take breaks what seemed like every 15 minutes because I was getting tired ridiculously easily. Undeterred, if in fits and starts, I carried onward.

Here are a few “before” photos, in all their cluttered, messy glory:

I’m glad I had the presence of mind to photograph the process.  The wallpaper border came off far easier than I anticipated, and the enzyme CHOMP stuff took care of the backing. For some reason, I was compelled to photograph myself using the Paper Tiger. I look like I have Man Hands.

Also, I scored it all without even trying to peel off the paper itself. That was a little silly, because it came right off in big, long, satisfying strips.

The border’s backing came off pretty darned easily with the enzyme stuff, but left a huge mess behind. Ok, perhaps it was me who made/left the mess, but I’m going to blame it on the backing – we’re cool with that, right?

Looking at the above photo there, I realized, “holy shit, I bought a bath pillow?” Bought it, and apparently felt the need to install it before all the crazed peeling and painting action. One can’t go into these adventures unprepared.

I remember bashing the slightly missing tip of my thumb a couple of times, mostly when taking down the large mirror from its weirdo holders.

I learned some fun things about this bathroom – like the wall behind the mirror is made entirely of cardboard. I painted over it, anyhow.

When under the influence of what I can only assume is a pretty awesome combination of methamphetamine and heroin, one forgets minor details – like needing to spackle holes over after taking off fixtures. And buying putty knives or spackle, for instance.

At first, I just dipped the foam corner painter thing into the paint on the lid – just to make sure I liked it. I spread it on one wall, figured I’d better try it on a few walls before really Diving In to the full painting process.

You really can’t tell the difference in color unless you look really, really closely:

It may be easier to spot here:

At some point, I poured paint into the tray and just went at it like a crazed banshee. I must have decided getting the rollers involved was too much work, because I just painted everything with the wheeled edger.

And then I ran out of steam, the drugs wore off, Mike Neir came home and I realized “oh my god, what am I doing.”  I will probably be heading to bed immediately after hitting Publish.

Here’s the state of things now:

It’s only about 75% completed on the first coat, with no edges done (that little edger thingie was a bastard and I don’t trust it anymore.) Lots of work ahead.

But here’s the thing:

I love it.

I adore it. It’s dreamy.

Well, it will be dreamy when all is said and done. While I’d envisioned nothing but browns and whites, I seem to have picked out a largely dusty, darkish, aqua-shaded shower curtain and towels, but I think they’ll look really good. A different theme than strictly whites, and I think I’ll like it even better.

The larger, decor-oriented items I bought today have vanished. More correctly, I have put them Someplace Out of the Way, someplace clever, where I won’t forget them. That tin artwork thingie is like three feet tall, and I can’t find it. I’m giving up looking until tomorrow.

Tonight, my antibodies are going to rally and get this thing retreating. I can feel it.

Right then, bed now.

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2 responses to Fever-Induced Home Renovation


  1. I would be crying if my bathroom were pink and blue, too. I love the dark brown. Can’t wait to see the finished product.

    See, drugs are good for you. They never tell you that in DARE.

  2. It’s very dramatic! We had Dover White on our walls for 20 years and finally added color. I love it – it really warms a space. We have one small bathroom which we didn’t get around to doing, so I’ll be watching your results!

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