“Stability” isn’t really a word I’ve had a vast familiarity with since leaving home. Moving yearly all though college, dragging myself across the country on a snap decision, having very cool but very erratic experiences out there, moving back home on another impulse, never having a relationship that lasted more than a year or two…
Establishing a sense of “roots” or “permanence” is pretty much a foreign concept to me at this point. However, being back where I grew up, on lands familiar to me, some of that is starting to come back.
I knew when I made a personal, internal commitment to The Engineir, I was probably making a commitment to Stay In Michigan, Probably For Life, which wasn’t something I was terribly keen on at that time. It was something I thought long and hard about, well before he and I were deeply serious. I knew if I chose to be with him for the long haul, I would be choosing to give up my somewhat nomadic lifestyle.
The heart wants what it wants, and it was not a difficult decision. The complicating factor was living in a very low-rent neighborhood in a dicey part of town – someplace where I was pretty unhappy. I nearly had forgotten what it was like to be out away from the city, amongst the trees and fields. Despite having forgotten that, I chose to stay.
And stay I have.
I’ve battled some internal demons during this time, you know the ones; they say I’m not good enough for him, that he could just up and dump me out of the blue one day, that we might drift apart, that anything can happen so be prepared for the worst. Do not become completely dependent, Young(ish) Lady, because that leaves you open, vulnerable and possibly without an escape route.
Thus, even though I planned for the future, I envisioned the future, I worked toward that future, I’m not sure I ever really believed in it. I was afraid to. In the past, whenever I have started to feel comfortable, started to really hit my stride and settle in someplace, I have either made some horrible decision that brought everything crashing down around me or some external factor obliterated my world.
Now I grant you, most of it was (to one degree or another) my own doing. I’ve made a bunch of bad decisions, done stupid things or not doing the requisite things, and I’ve suffered the consequences. Hard to believe, I know, those of you who know me – me? Inciting drama in my own life? Making bad choices? Heresy! (ahem)
Even right now, sitting here in my office, looking down at our pretty yard, enjoying a cold glass of fresh raw milk, and contemplating goats, there is this weird sense of “it could be yanked away at any time.” It’s unsettling. It makes it hard to trust that everything is going to be ok, because sometimes, everything is not ok.
I’m not sure how many people could drag me out of that emotional mental space, but The Engineir is doing it. Slowly. It’s taken almost three stinking years to get me this far, but it’s happening. And it’s good.
We’re getting married next month. 🙂
Somehow, this ultra-smart, metalhead goofball has managed to soothe a few of my perma-anxieties away.
Did I mention the “goofball” part?
I’m not quite sure how he puts up with me, but he does, and he insists he’s going nowhere. Huh. How’d I manage this again?