Finding A Sense of Permanence

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“Stability” isn’t really a word I’ve had a vast familiarity with since leaving home. Β Moving yearly all though college, dragging myself across the country on a snap decision, having very cool but very erratic experiences out there, moving back home on another impulse, never having a relationship that lasted more than a year or two…

Establishing a sense of “roots” or “permanence” is pretty much a foreign concept to me at this point. However, being back where I grew up, on lands familiar to me, some of that is starting to come back.

I knew when I made a personal, internal commitment to The Engineir, I was probably making a commitment to Stay In Michigan, Probably For Life, which wasn’t something I was terribly keen on at that time. It was something I thought long and hard about, well before he and I were deeply serious. I knew if I chose to be with him for the long haul, I would be choosing to give up my somewhat nomadic lifestyle.

The heart wants what it wants, and it was not a difficult decision. The complicating factor was living in a very low-rent neighborhood in a dicey part of town – someplace where I was pretty unhappy. I nearly had forgotten what it was like to be out away from the city, amongst the trees and fields. Despite having forgotten that, I chose to stay.

And stay I have.

I’ve battled some internal demons during this time, you know the ones; they say I’m not good enough for him, that he could just up and dump me out of the blue one day, that we might drift apart, that anything can happen so be prepared for the worst. Do not become completely dependent, Young(ish) Lady, because that leaves you open, vulnerable and possibly without an escape route.

Thus, even though I planned for the future, I envisioned the future, I worked toward that future, I’m not sure I ever really believed in it. I was afraid to. In the past, whenever I have started to feel comfortable, started to really hit my stride and settle in someplace, I have either made some horrible decision that brought everything crashing down around me or some external factor obliterated my world.

Now I grant you, most of it was (to one degree or another) my own doing. I’ve made a bunch of bad decisions, done stupid things or not doing the requisite things, and I’ve suffered the consequences. Hard to believe, I know, those of you who know me – me? Inciting drama in my own life? Making bad choices? Heresy! (ahem)

Even right now, sitting here in my office, looking down at our pretty yard, enjoying a cold glass of fresh raw milk, and contemplating goats, there is this weird sense of “it could be yanked away at any time.” It’s unsettling. It makes it hard to trust that everything is going to be ok, because sometimes, everything is not ok.

I’m not sure how many people could drag me out of that emotional mental space, but The Engineir is doing it. Slowly. It’s taken almost three stinking years to get me this far, but it’s happening. And it’s good.

We’re getting married next month. πŸ™‚

Somehow, this ultra-smart, metalhead goofball has managed to soothe a few of my perma-anxieties away.

Did I mention the “goofball” part?

Just checking.

I’m not quite sure how he puts up with me, but he does, and he insists he’s going nowhere. Huh. How’d I manage this again?


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7 responses to Finding A Sense of Permanence

  1. Alex

    Big dork. You managed it by being you. The only thing that was ever wrong between us was that I wasn’t ready for anything. You are easy to be around and easier to get along with. Give yourself a break. You are a great, selfless person and the only one who doesn’t seem sure of that is you. Everyone else figures it out after about 10 minutes.

    Oh – and there is always a way out. It’s not always fun but there is always a way out. Congratulations on the upcoming nuptials. I may be up there in August. I will let you know.

  2. -B

    Congrats on finding the beginnings of happiness.

  3. Meg

    YAY! I am married to a big goof. And guess what?!? He’s rubbed off on me! I find myself saying his corny lines and getting the big eye-roll from others! Why do we doubt so much? I know, for me, I came from a family of divorce. I never thought anyone could stay together forever. Hubby and I had a rough start to the marriage, but with a good counselor, we are all good and know why we got married and why we want to be together forever. I never gave the relationship a chance to work. Now…I want nothing more than for it to work! And, as much as the “goof” will tick you off and make you wonder why you got married…remember that it was BECAUSE of his “goofiness!”

  4. Erin D.

    Thanks, everyone, for the lovely comments. πŸ™‚

    Alex, I’d love to see you when you’re up here if possible. Also, since we were in high school, I reckon neither of us was really ready for much of anything. πŸ˜‰

    Meg, I relate very much. I have abandonment and other issues myself, so I think I was very reluctant to *truly* believe in something lasting. I might have thought about it in a largely abstract way, but that’s very different from True Belief.

    Mike’s goofiness is definitely part of this charm. πŸ™‚

  5. -B

    Congrats on the hitchin’!

  6. Judith

    Hey, Erin, just checking in to say I miss your posts and hope you’re having a good summer.

  7. Hi, Erin. Thanks for the comment at my blog! I always enjoy having a new blog visitor. This evening I’ve been reading some of your past posts. You write well, I must say.

    As for raw milk, my ex and I raised two children on raw milk from a local Mennonite dairy a few miles away from our place in Knox County, MO. $1.25 per gallon; we hauled it home in gallon glass pickle jars. I miss that cream, and what wonderful yogurt can be made from the remainder!

    Good luck with possible future goats and with your Engineer; he sounds like a keeper.

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